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Yeah!   
08:20pm 20/05/2005
 
mood: drained
So I am back on Staten Island unfortunately. Ughh I forgot how much I hate this island, but I am glad to be back in a weird sort of way. Just because I am closer to my friends and all. I really don't miss the apartment at all I am glad to be outta there thats for sure. I think in the past month I have been to 5 employment agencies. Its a start, I mean come on something has go to come through. I've only been to five for pete's sake.
I've been home now for three days and I already want to leave. Ughh..that is why yeah is the appropriate title for this entry. I can't even go out and find parttime work yet until June..after my grandmother's party. Because I really need off for that. Then after that I can do what I have to do. Now I am just getting my room together. Ughh..another sarcastic yeah! On the plus side I saw a good friend of mine recently Mike P. I was glad to see somebody and I also talked to Jen online the other day. I have been trying to find Ted because hey I miss the man. I have been contemplating my relationship lately and its coming up to that time..to the six mth mark. I really do love Jesse I do..but lately ever since he has lost his job he has changed somewhat. I can't tell if he wants me around at all sometimes because he just doesn't seem into life at all. When I firsst met him he was really happy and all and now I think this relationship has become an inconvience for him. I want to talk to him abt it but I feel like he just doesn't care and goes into whatever he has to do. I am lucky he is even coming to my grandparents party. He also drinks too much lately and that is really worrying me. I don't care what he says I am calling him later drunk or not because I really need to talk to him. I know he loves me and all and he's really a sweet, caring, generous guy but he's having issues and I think its affecting us. If anything our relationship should be a positive thing for the both of us because of the hard time we are going through together. You know, I mean we love each other and all but I feel like its loosing something that we once had..he doesn't even want to go out anymore. I mean we just sit in his apartment all night and do nothing. I don't want to loose him and I feel like I am. Ughh I am not good at this relationship stuff at all. I am really not. I want to continue with Jesse but I just don't know. Its only temporary thing. This weekend for instance his mother had invited me to a Met game with his family and all..at the time I said yes I thought it was going to be him and his sister and people like that. Plus I felt bad for saying no..I was kind of on the spot. And he got all worked up abt it when she brought it up, b/c I had kind of forgotten abt it with the move and all, and running back and forth into the city every week. I just forgot. So now we are not going. And I feel like I backed him into a corner the way he acted and all. So from now on I decided I don't want to be involved with his mother and all b/c I know they don't get along sometimes. I don't know I am just worried abt us. I feel like we are falling apart b/c of everything that has happened to us. I just hope he doesn't get frustrated with everything and looses it. I don't want that to happen again. Oh well we soon shall see..later for now..hence the appropraite title is "YEAH!"		  
     

(say anything)
 
   
04:43pm 02/05/2005
 
mood: drained
So this weekend turned out to be a major bummer. Saturday after I got off of work I had to go back out to Staten Island from New Jersey again to go to my Aunt Peggy's funeral. Major bummer. Aunt Peg was one cool chica, she was my nana's twin sister. I felt soo bad for nana its like loosing a whole part of yourself you know. She just died suddenly on Thursday of a heart attack in her sleep. On the plus side she wasn't sick and didn't have to suffer through any kind of disease or surgery. Its just not going to be the same without her though. It was nice to see everyone again though. Unfortunately it was under terrible circumstances. Well farwell Aunt Peg see u on the other side...Hopefully she met up with Uncle Jimmy lol. I always wondered abt that..like when one family memeber dies, do they get to go and hang out with other family memebers who die before them?? That would be pretty cool..thats probably how it is anyways??

Well I think Jesse wants me to come and live with him. I got an email from him today from Spain! How cool is that, that he wants me to stay as long as he wants me to. I am not sure how serious he is abt it but we will have to talk when he gets back. I guess he wants me to stay the rest of the week. I can definately do that. One Tues I will go back to Brooklyn and come back on Thursday if that is the case to get some more stuff and drop whatever I have back home. I only have three more days of work left..thank god. My brother is going to try and get me a job up at CVS parttime for now. So we'll see what happens. I have an appointment with the Legal Agency on Wed so maybe they will be able to come through for me. I really hope this doesn't take too long you know. I really want a job. I want a normal life so I can work during the week and hang out with my friends and boyfriend on the weekends like normal people do. It will eventually happen hopefully. Well thats all for now..tty soon.

Ughh I live out of a school bag!!! I just want to stay in one spot for a little while!!		  
     

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Too love too much or not too love at all??   
02:42pm 30/04/2005
 
mood: contemplative
There is something I have been pondering lately and its whether or not if saying I love you soo much takes the meaning out of it? I mean I guess it could quite possibly in some way. I think I was just saying it a lot b/c he is away, he said it a lot to before he left. I mean its not an issue, its just one of my own issues I have b/c it took me a long time to rediscover the meaning of the word. So now its like how much can u actually say I love you to someone until it wears out? Is that at all possible? Or can u really love someone that much that u feel soo comfortable in saying it that it doesn't matter how many times u say it at all to them. Its almost as if I just don't trust the wors like I am always questioning it whether he does or not and its wrong of me to do so. I mean I am in love with him I feel myself being in love with him and I know he is with me just by the way he is. There is always that fear of loosing that person that u do love. That is the most scariest part I think. Its like u build up all this emotion for them into one big ball and then one day it just explodes and everything that u have ever felt is lost and confused. I mean I know that I am still young, I mean I am only 25 and he is older than I am. I mean what if I am the one for him u know being the age difference and all. What if one day he decides that he wants to marry me. Could that be possible? I am just always afraid that with everything that goes wrong in my life he would get tired of me and find me too depressingt to be around and leave one day. Frankly I wouldn't blame him. Heck his mom wants to take me out to dinner on Monday when I get home from my aunt's funeral. The whole relationship thing is just scary. I mean could I handle something like a long lasting relationshipt aht turns into marriage?? Is it possible for me? I feel like that this is the "it"..but I just don't know. I have way too many issues..according to some of Dr. Phil's relationship tests it seems like we are doing pretty good. lol Sorry I had to do it lol. I just don't want to push it too much thats all I am afraid that it's going to fast. I guess in some aspects it is but in others is it going to slow?? Heck I am becoming all philosophical again. My head is literally going to blow up one day from all the thinking I do its soo ridiculous already. jezze. Well my head hurts now later all.		  
     

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07:50pm 27/04/2005
 
mood: cranky
So far this has been the greatest week ever. I have been staying at my boyfriends house for the past week or so. Just so that it is easier to get to work and finish working at Barnes & Noble. Then its back home. I really hope I don't have to stay there too long and sooner or later I will get a job. I am going to take it a bit easy this week and not start looking just yet. I made a mistake by doing that and shouldn't have. I really needed the r&r. It has been great. I really like it here, I really like being here with him or without him. I just can't believe how comfortale and how right it feels. I really do love Jesse very much. Never been in love like this before. And its just a great feeling. I don't know if I am going to want to leave when Tuesday comes lol. Its been a great week. Well I got a transfer to Barnes & Noble on Staten Island I just have to figure out when I can start there. Proabably not until after the 15th at sometimes. I can only do 2 or 3 days a week at the most. I can't be fulltime at all. Maybe by then something will fall through. I don't know its confusing and hard!! UGHH Y!! I dont want to work for the fat ones again. But Walden bks has no hrs. ughh. I really don't want to move back home either. Maybe Jesse will just be like hey come and stay with me and I would say yes in a heart beat and get a job at Scotti's record shop downstairs! Oh bother!! later.		  
     

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Vacation from life..   
05:09pm 25/04/2005
 
mood: peaceful
Well I just arrived back at Jesse's place and it feels wonderful to be here. I already feel like its a vacation for me and I can really get things done. I already have a job interveiw on Wed which means I am going to have to call out of work. Which I really don't care abt b/c my last day is next Saturday anyway so its no biggie. I really have to take a shot at this. So Barnes & Noble will have to just take it. Then I may have on Fri back in bklyn. Hopefully I will have enough money I have 60$ left so that should be good and I did great with my food shopping today. The coolest part is that Renee is going to come out on Thurs night and hang out with me and sleep over. Yeah! Its going to be awesome. I really like it out here. Its nice and somewhat relaxing. I miss Jesse though. I heard from him yesterday through an email and he is definately having a good time. Maybe we will end up living together. I don't want to go back home. My parents having been amazingly supportive. I am just worried though because both me and Kevin have to move back. But its ok..I can go visit Lisa and Laura and I can come to Jesse. It should be interseting. Well thats all for now later all.		  
     

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02:51pm 24/04/2005
 
mood: frustrated
Life is just too damn hard sometimes. Due to recent unfortunate events, I will be moving back home to Staten Island. The whole job thing isn't working out and I need to come back and start from scratch, basically. It really is the best thing because at least I will have the comfort and the convienence of home to do what I have to do, to get a job. So far I have come up with a few solutions and all that may work, then next year after I obtain a job I can move back out into my own apartment. I decided I really need to live alone. I am too particular abt things and I like to have my own personal space. Unless I was living with Jesse that would be the only other thing. Or I could get an apartment with Renee she maybe be able to at that point. But anyways, I figured I would rathe be safe then sorry. I have already been sorry and I am tired. I want to just stay in one place for a little while until things fall through for me. Next week I will be in New Jersey by myself at my boyfriends apartment for a little while. Just so I can have some Coleen time. I am trying to get a transfer to Barnes & Noble on Staten Island so I can get some parttime work for some money for myself. Hopefully it works out. I really hate walden bks. Well anwyays thats all for now..my boyfriend is in Spain! and he got me presents!! hehe. I can't wait for him to come back so I can get my presents..and too see him of course lol. later for now all.		  
     

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Upside down again   
07:42pm 20/04/2005
 
mood: confused
Well, once again things don't work out for me. I am starting to think that things never will. I feel like someone is out to get me or I should be doing something else with my life. I decided I am moving back to Staten Island, its really the only way. I have no money, even working for Barnes & Noble I still have no money. Although I may have a job interveiw next week after I call back this woman who called me today. So I guess I s hould keep on trying. My mom was really cool abt everything and said I can stay as long as I need to. Hopefully not to long. I am hopeing by September I will be back out again. I am going to stay at Jesse's for the next week while he is gone. I am just greatful I can do this until I quit Barnes & Noble. Then I can start packing to go back home. At least I will have a nice tv to put in my room now. hehe. Well thats all for now. Later. Hopefully life will get better soon.		  
     

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New Beginnings   
09:55pm 17/04/2005
 
mood: hopeful
Well after three months of hell I have landed a job. I am not sure if you can count working @ Barnes & Noble but it was something for a while. The good thing abt that was I got to pay rent for the month of April. I am going to be working @ Carmel Richmond Nursing Home to the director in charge of the place. Its $15 an hr and full medical benefits. They need someone who knew steno and well I do. The hours are great they are part-time but its still good money. I am going to be working 20-30hrs a week and I can still look for a legal position in the meantime. Its going to be on Staten Island which means I may have to move back in a few mths or so depending on how well the commute goes. But we will see I guess. Lisa says its not so bad but I hate buses. I can't wait to quit Barnes & Noble and have somewhat of a life back. The hrs are too insane I have been soo tired lately from all the traveling I have been doing between Brooklyn, Staten Island, & New Jersey. If I was just going to Jesse's house I wouldn't care at all, but I have to travel to Hoboken three-four days out of the week so it has been tough. Yesterday it took me 4hours to get to Staten Island from Hoboken b/c the trains are running iffy. UgHH, I really need a car. Well my true love is leaving me to go on an expedition to Spain for two weeks. I really wish I was going with him so badly. Its going to be a great trip for him. Even though he hasn't left yet I miss him already. I am going to have to keep myself extra busy for the next two weeks somehow lol. My aunts party turned out to be a lot of fun today. It was nice to see everyone again. I haven't been able to get out to her house yet. It was definately nice out there for sure. So things are slowly starting to look up. Hopefully this job works out well. It sounds like it will. Well thats all for now..later people.		  
     

(say anything)
 
   
11:55am 03/04/2005
 
mood: frustrated
All through life we are asked what do we want to be when we grow up? Although most of the pressure doesn't start until Junior Year of highschool when you have to pick a college and a career. Some of us know for sure and the other half of us doesn't. After u make this choice u take all the necessary steps to get there. U go to school, get your degree, and then look for a job. After maybe abt 5-10 job interveiws where u keep on getting the same answer over and over again "I'm sorry, but u just don't have enough experience and we don't have the time to train you." How are u suppose to get the experience if u are not given a chance!! I mean its so stupid, it makes everything that u had done just seem worthless in the end. Why is that? Employers out there in the big old city are all assholes! Assholes I say! Its like y bother get the degree when there is always someone who is on the job who doesn't have one and is making more money than u are? It's like do I really have to be apart of the ethnic society to make it lately?
(No offense) but that is just how I sort of feel right now. I feel like once again I am going to be stuck in Barnes & Noble forever just like I was back in Walden BKs. Oh the torture. My only other thing is to get a city job or something. But what would I really be qualified for? In that case? I feel like baging my head against the wall right abt now. And what sucks is I have to take a break to save money to I can go on job interveiws being that I am broke as all hell! I should have just finished regular college and gone for English like I orginally planned. Maybe with a BA someone will talk to me then, I mean WTF! GRR! Must kill everyone!

The Top 5 Things to do Before I die:
1) Become a prize winning journalist.
2) Stand up comedy.
3) Become a Broadway Singer.
4) Go to Hawaii.
5) Learn to surf.

Realistic enought for you? We'll see. lol.		  
     

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07:18pm 30/03/2005
 
mood: cheerful
So I am working at Barnes & Noble again. Yippie! But its all good. The hrs are better and the pay is better. I can still see my boyfriend and have a life. After I start making some money I need to start searching for a job again. Which will be in another month or so. After I worry abt the rent. It's really sad that it only takes abt an hr to get into Jersey by public transportation and an hr and a half to get to Staten Island. So very sad..lol. I came back home today to see some friends and say hi to mom before she gets sent off to Florida. Got hooked up to with foodage. lol. YES! It was a pretty cool day. Better than being cooped up in that "Old Apartment" Bare Naked Ladies lol. Oh I also heard today that good old Joe came back safely. And hear he was still really hot. Damn oh well that is in the past and I have moved on to better things. My Jesse lol. So very glad abt that. Later		  
     

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10:48am 25/03/2005
 
mood: accomplished
Well as of late I had to go back to Barnes & Noble to work. Because the job market isn't that great and I can't seem to land a job in my field of study. This is only because no one wants to hire an inexperienced graduate. Which is really sad because how are u suppose to obtain the expereince that u need if no one wants to give u that chance. I didn't take the other job b/c it didn't feel right to just settle b/c all of my friends I have graduated with have jobs as legal secretaries and its pissing me off. So if anything, I will stay there for a while and go back to school in Septemeber for my bachelor's degree in Paralegal studies. Then maybe someone will want to talk to me. But its all cool. Life is funny that way on the different roads that it leads u. I wasn't meant to just settle for anything, apparently I am meant for bigger things. I could always just continue my acting to and get back into that. Its also easier to get your life in order being on your own. You can think more clearly and get what u have to get done b/c its all apart of the responsibilty. It's also good to have good people in your life to help you out. Especially when your in a situtation where u can't always turn to your family b/c they have too many problems. so it isn't so bad when u think abt it. Its more of a test and a challenge. Well thats all for now. later.		  
     

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Another Revelation:   
07:37am 21/03/2005
 
mood: contemplative
This morning I was on my way to my new job and I decided that the position wasn't worth my time. The thing that was bothering me was, why am I going to settle for anything less than what I worked so hard to acheive. I went to a school that cost me almost $27,000 to go to in order to better my quality of life and situation. I didn't want to get stuck working in some cheap ass bookstore for the rest of my life and just be miserable. Like the people around me. I decided to take a concentration in law because I knew myself that I could go far in it. I figured why not start off as a legal secretary some where and work my way up and go to school to become a paralegal? And I still intend to do that. I didn't go to school to work in some bullshit job working with track lighting making a measely $10 an hr which isn't much when you add it all up. I wnet to school to be a secretary, a legal secretary and that is what I intend to do.
My skills are almost perfect and I just feel like that is y I went to Katharine Gibbs to gain these skills to get a job like this. I have to be true to myself and not worry abt what everyone else thinks. Only I know what is best for me and I feel like I made an important life decision this morning when I turned around and went up to school instead. I was going to got to the employment agency but I need my birthcertificate which means on Sunday I have to sneak into my house somehow while my parents are gone so I can go back on Monday. Crap just my luck right? lol. What I say is never settle for less. Always go for more and what you are capable of doing. And that job wouldn't have been right for me. So we will see what happebs. Later for now all wish me luck!		  
     

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02:29pm 19/03/2005
 
mood: tired
Sometimes I really feel like someone is out to get me. Like everything that goes right just ends up going wrong in my life. Recently I had landed a new job. It was working for a law firm in Manhattan and it was one of those too good to be true jobs. I worked there for abt a week, and the guy decided that I didn't have enough experience to work for him so he just used me as a temp and let me go before he went on vacation. Isn't that just dandy. So I had to start all over again and find something else. I went on countless interveiws and used every available option I had. Then finally a nice little company called LightWaves decided that they were going to give me a shot. Its not a legal assistant job like I had wanted but its good to start off with. Its a very laid back office enviroment. Heck they have an office dog! Which is even cooler. I get to dress however I want to and the only thing they require from me is if I put in one Sunday a month. Which would be ok for the extra cash. Its only $10.00 an hour but its worth a shot at it. Plus its the kind of job where I will be able to gain more office experience. Which is what most law firms seem to inquire abt. Once u get out its hard to get back into a firm. The last guy I worked for was an asshole thats for sure. He totally misled me abt the position. He said he was going to train me and all and give me a salary. But instead b/c of the fact I was making to many mistakes on my first day he didn't think I was worth his time. He basically insulted me and said I wasn't with it at all and that my last boss probably never meant for me to come back and she was just saying that to be nice. Yeah I don't think I want to work for lawyers right now. I might kill all of them. I hope terrorists come and blow up the Lincoln building. Stupid motherfucker. Well anyway thanxs to the help of some pretty good friends and my future husband. I had the means to go out and find a new position that was more suitable for me, and I start on Monday. Its looks like its going to be a fun and easy job so we will see what happens. Hey I know how to use a fax machine and a copier now. Its in the east village to which is an awesome location. Now I can move on to plan B. Not sure what that is yet but I'll come up with something. But for now this ok. I am just tired from it all and I can't wait untill I recieve my first paid vacation. This week was a crazy week thats for sure. Just glad its all over with. Well anyways thats all for now..peace out people. I never want to be unemployed again. Its really hard out there. I felt like it just wasn't going to happen.		  
     

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07:06pm 05/03/2005
 
mood: cheerful
Well, I was practically unemployed for an entire month recently. I think that was the most scariest thing that has ever happened to me. I mean I was really poor. No money for anything. I mean I borrowed money from my brother, my dad, and my boyfriend but its really not a cool thing to go through just making it day by day at the skin of your teeth. I am down to the last of my food this week and I need to go shopping tomorrow after I hang out with Lisa and Laura. The good news is I got a new job this week that I start on Wed. I work for a Real-Estate law firm on 4znd street in the lincoln building right outside grandcentral station. I will be making $26,000 a year, full health benefits, and I get a monthly metro card. So far it has been a really good work week and I like my job. I also like all the people I work with and its in more of a professional enviroment then I use to be in. I feel like a normal person now. I feel like I finally have a life again. This weekend I came back to my mom's house so I can do my laundry b/c I couldn't afford to do it at the laundromat this month after being unemployed. The other scary thing that happened this mth was that I was almost pregnant. And finally every girl's favorite pal came this morning after being late for two weeks. Jeeze that was nerve wracking. Part of me was disappointed, but part of me was really happy. Well The only thing that sucks this week is I am not hanging out with Jesse because of the fact that I had three weeks worth of laundry to do. Yippie! Oh well I will see him next week. Well thats all for now people. Later! I think when my mother is on her death bed..that is when I will tell her I was unemployed for a while. lol. later!		  
     

(say anything)
 
So this is love?   
01:46pm 15/02/2005
 
mood: content
For the first time in a long time, I am in love. I never thought I would ever hear those words again from someone. Well, from anyone. I think I have met the man of my dreams and it feels wonderful for a change. Life feels better no matter how shitty things seem, and it is really because of Jesse. Last night he told me that he was in love with me. I had wanted to tell him for a while, but I wasn't sure if it was the right time for it. Then it just sort of happened and he really meant it. I could see it, I could feel it from him the way he holds me when we are together, and the way he looks at me, and the way he talks to me. It was the nicest Valentine's Day I ever had in a very long time. With him in my life nothing can go wrong. After being with him the past four days I am begininng to see a future with him. Heck we have already been talking abt how many kids we want and wether or not we want a boy or a girl first. We both said a boy. Don't tell him but I already picked out a name. Yesterday I got to meet his mother, grandfather, and sister. He said his mom really liked me. lol. I was nervous as all hell though, but she turned out to be really cool. I am scared though, I am as scared as all hell abt what the future holds. Its just a wonderful feeling to have to be in a meaningful relationship with someone. Its just nice to hear someone say I love you and actually mean it. I just hope it lasts forever. In which I think it just might. Because we are both on the same page. We were meant for each other. I am glad I went to go and meet him on New Year's Eve, I am glad that we had started talking to each other and I took a chance at life and love. I never thought that this would ever happen to me again after Dennis and after Joe, but it has. It's time to leave the past behind and look foward to the future. I am going to fool around a bit and plan my wedding lol, and look for a ring..heck he mentioned it lol. later all.		  
     

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Life is Good..   
01:54pm 01/02/2005
 
mood: happy
Well I just got back from Florida yesterday afternoon. It turned out to be a very nice trip and a good experience. I didn't realize how much I needed it until I got down there. I definately feel a whole lot different and there have been some very nice changes in the past couple of months. Tomorrow I get to go back to my apartment and on Friday I get to go see my boyfriend Jesse. I can't wait to see him. We have been separated for 21 days. It was like torture. But the sayings "All good things comes to those who wait" and "Absence makes the hearts grow fonder" have new meaning to them. lol. I also go back to my old job on Monday as well. I can't wait to start woking there again. Goodbye Walden bks forever. I new that once I was in Brooklyn it would be easier for me to leave. Its like I was on my way back and my entire life was waiting for me in the wings. Funny how things work out though? Well anyways thats all for now later all. I can finally say that life is pretty good right now.		  
     

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09:51pm 30/12/2004
 
mood: bored
I have been trying to think of something inspiring to write lately and nothing comes to mind. It almost feels like I have come to a complete hault. Well technically I have since my life is constantly on hold. I am going to Florida in less then a week to visit my grandmother. My mom is also finally coming home to, a few days before I am leaving. Which will be good because she is needed here as well. I know now that going to visit my gandmother after her operation is only going to be better for me. Its going to make my life a little more fuller in knowing that I was there to help her. I am suppose to be the entertainment at her 50th Wedding Anniversary party in July. I have to finish learning the Ave Maria to sing in Church that day. But what else can I sing for them? I am not a big band performer I have never done anything like that before in my life. I guess I will figure it out. I am good at that. LOL (Laughs in her head at her own wittyness)I feel like my life is out there waiting for me at my very finger tips. And that will be in February. Although it is only one month away it is going to be longest month of my entire life. I feel like once I get back into Brooklyn I can leave the past behind. There are way to many people I hate out here. It's soo sad lol. I also have to call my boss next week to let her know when I will be going back. I figure sometime the first week of February. I keep meaning to but sometimes I really don't feel like answering the question "how are you?" When all I can say is eh. Did I also mention there is a possible boy in the picture. I have to come over my fears of all past relationshiops if I am ever going to be happy with anyone. I feel like I have lost all complete trust and faith in the idea of a relationship. I must at least try. He is a really wonderful guy so far but I guess we will see. In speaking of I must call him soon. I forgot that he had asked me to call him later this evening. Ooops I hope he doesn't have caller id lol. Then I would seem like a psycho..Well thats all for now later people. I feel like I had to let something out.		  
     

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Down w/ Love: F/25 looking for Mr. Dork.   
09:15pm 21/12/2004
 
mood: pissed off
Why do guys expect all girls to look like super models? Its really sad. I feel like I am horribly loosing in the dating scene and I am getting a bit fet up with it all. I'll start talking to a guy and I will end up really liking them after talking to them for a while. Then afterwards once we get to the first date, nothing happens after that. Its like they expect you to come out looking like Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears, when all they are stupid whores with reality shows that eventually get cancelled. Because who wants to watch a brainless whore? I just wish guys would give more girls like me a chance instead of just looking at me as a friend. Which is what usually happens. Every guy I have been out with so far I am friends with now. I guess its because I am too much like one of the guys sometimes. Its really bad. I think I really need to find someone like me..in other words "Mr. Dork." And it sucks. This is why I hate dating its too difficult and there are just to many rules to follow. Plus guys are the worst they spoil everything abt it because they just don't use their brians, they use their other brains. Its very annoying. I just want to meet an intelligent guy who I can hang out with and eventually love and get married to. But at this point that is never going to happen with my horrible luck. The last guy I have been talking to probably thinks I am a freak now b/c I was so nervous abt the picture I sent him. He probably got it and doesn't want to talk to me anymore b/c guys suck ass. The entire male race just sucks. Well thats all for now people. Ladies feel free to comment if you agree w/ me.		  
     

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I Just Want to Get my Hair Done...   
03:48pm 17/12/2004
 
mood: drained
What is the point of creating a life if you are not allowed to have one? God puts us on this earth with purpose. Every human being who is born into this world holds a purpose. Some people are meant to be doctors, lawyers, actors, and writers. While others are meant to run off and get married to have a family. And sometimes people get lucky and can do it all. Then there are those who are stuck, they are stuck because some force in their life is holding them back to where they want to be. Maybe its because they have family problems or illness. Sometimes your family problems just become so much that you get lost within them to and then you can't move on. Unfortunately that seems to be the story of my life. I have learned as of late that I am not allowed to think of myself at all, I am not allowed to break away from the house I grew up in because it is inconveinent for certain people who live here. As I may have told some of you my grandmother is in the hosptial. Well she is out now but she is in intensive therapy after her surgery and my mom is down in Florida taking care of her. It's been really hard lately to adjust without my mom because hey, she is mom. Mom's to me are like angels, they are sent down to earth to take care of you and to help you through life. I guess you can say they are almost like gaurdian angels. My mom is definately an angel. My dad on the other hand, well he is a trip thats for sure. Dad's are suppose to be protectors and providers not militant like my dad is. Right now me and my dad aren't getting along to well b/c he isn't dealing with my mom being gone in a good way. Plus he has a lot of other psychological problems due to his job and all, especially after 9/11. Basically whatever he is going through he has been taking it out on me a lot. And he just lieks to yell alot. Its like I am trying to offer him help but it just doesn't seem like he even wants to take it from me. Then when I do go and do something for him its almost like he has to stand there and watch me. Like he thinks that I am incompitent and I don't know how to use a vacum. So after a while you are just so fustrated that you just give up and say ok dad if u want it done right then you do it! He is never happy with anything you do. Its like I bet that after I graduate from law school he still won't be happy with me. I can't even enjoy my days off while I am here at home b/c he has been making me so crazy lately. Plus he is making me feel guitly abt wanting to move out, like I think that he's not good enough for me to want to live here. I just wish I didnt' have to put up with this bullshit anymore. I just wish I can just finally go off and have a life of my own and not have to worry abt my family all the time becasue they are nuts. I try to help out but it never seems to work at all. I took off from a good paying job to stay and help my family. And it is not good enough for them. I guess I am just tired of trying to be a good person. I am tired of not being able to do anything for myself at all. Its like I don't even have time for friends or a boyfriend b/c I am always so busy. I would really like to have a boyfriend to at some point. I'm working on it but life always gets in the way of it all. After a while you jusy feel numb and tired like you don't want to go on anymore b/c hey whats the point of doing anything if shit isn't going to work out at all. This yr my family is not going to be having a Christmas at all b/c of everything that is going on. After a while in a girls life, you just get to the pont when you throw your hands up in the air and say "I just want to get my hair done" You might as well look good if you are going to be miserable.		  
     

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It's been a While..   
08:37pm 18/11/2004
 
mood: depressed
Well I haven't written in here in a long time. I guess it's because I haven't had much to say lately. Plus I am not home a lot working two jobs. Plus trying to find another job in between, and preparing to either move or go down to Florida to be with my grandma. She just had a quadruple bypass surgery and she is a victim of the Vioxx medication. I am very worried abt her and what is killing is no one is telling me much and I just don't know what is going to happen. Then I find out one of my best friends was talking shit abt me and then someone else who said he was ended up lying and being an asshole. And my other friend is still an asshole to me b/c he hasn't even called. So then that means he just doesn't care and I could care less abt him anymore. Well thats whats been going on so far. Plus I may not have a computer soon. Since I am moving out..me and my roommmates are going to have to chip in and buy one together quite possibly. But I guess we'll see what happens. Well thats all for now. Later all. Hope everyone is good.		  
     

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intheevening
 
 
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